Toxic Remorse
by lilrubydevil
Summary: My name is Seto Kaiba. I choose my direction in life and I choose what do with my mistakes. I can’t turn back. I can’t rewind. I can’t put myself in reverse. I can only fast forward and move on ahead. [implied yaoi]


Sorry, I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh.

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My name is Seto Kaiba. I choose my direction in life and I choose what do with my mistakes. I can't turn back. I can't rewind. I can't put myself in reverse. I can only fast forward and move on ahead.

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**Toxic Remorse**

_April 19, 2006_

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There will always be the little things that you keep, the little things you cherish, and the little things you love. It's a treasure, a jewel, a gem you keep with you for all eternity. But sometimes, that thing that keeps you going can suddenly become so much less in value and that is terrifying.

For some people, that thing isn't really a thing at all. It's really a person, a human being, a life. It's that person that breathes the life back into you when you least expect it to... at times, that person could suck emotion and drain energy from you as well.

I used to have someone like that, once upon a time. That feeling I got was not like any other. It was great, it was wonderful. It was something beautiful, so beautiful. It made me smile. It made me laugh. It made me happy.

Now, all it does is make me cry. Now, I just wish I am something more essential in life. I wish I am important. I wish I am to that person at least.

I'm at the beach right now. I'm drinking. It's been years since I last poured alcohol down my throat. I had promised him I would quit after I started being around him. He was scared—scared of me. I was scary when I was wasted. I terrified him to no limit. He used to hide from me so he wouldn't smell the stench on my breath when I go to hold him. I reminded him of his father, the man who spent years tormenting his life and shredding him apart. I reminded him of that pathetic excuse for a father, the one person I would never be. Yet, at one time, I was.

I didn't like it. It wasn't right.

It doesn't matter now of course. He isn't here with me; he's gone. There, I said it. Gone. He's _gone_. I can drink all I want now. No more sacrifices, no more compromises, hell, no more swears or promises. I'm done, just like he's done with me.

I was done the minute he walked out that night. I had screamed at him, threatened him one too many times. I had yelled at him to leave. I thought that was what I wanted at the time. I thought it was over. I thought it was all coming to the bitter end.

So he left.

Just like that.

I take another sip and swallow. The alcohol tastes nasty, but I can't stop. I laugh, softly at first, but then laughing louder and louder. My laugh sounds hollow and fake, but I can't stop. Laughing right now seems like the only thing I can do right now. There's nothing else I can do to make the situation any better. I can't shut it away, I can't hide, I can't even confront it. All I can do is stand here, months later, and laugh at myself.

It's funny. I'm the guy that can take any crap that's thrown at me. If anyone can do it, I can. I'm not used to feel so helpless... I'm not supposed to feel this way. If anything, I should be glad he's cut off from my life. He can't bring me down anymore. He can't influence in the way I act or the way I think anymore.

You hear that? I said I'm DONE with you. There's nothing left of you here in me. You're erased from me, as if you never existed. There's no more proof, no more humiliating evidence, no more burden.

Except for one.

I take out a picture in my pocket. I let out a laugh again and drink. I spill some liquid on the photo. It spills on you, blurring your blonde hair and brown eyes from my vision. Isn't that ironic? The very drink that you thought would destroy us is going to help me through this. I wish you could be here to see this. You might actually laugh about it with me.

Or would you laugh? Would you wish you could change me before it was too late? Would you wish you could hold on and savage what was left of you and me before you walked out? Would you wish that I hadn't yelled at you that night? Would you wish that I hadn't told you to leave? Would you?

Because I do.

And would you believe me if I said that alcohol will replace this empty hole inside of me?

I blink. Another liquid drop falls onto the picture, but this time, it isn't alcohol. I wipe my eyes before I could let another one like that fall.

I stare at the picture and I grow angry. I feel my glue unraveling and my ends loosening. I feel myself losing control and I feel the pain hit me for the first time since I've been here. I feel myself letting my mind travel back to those happy days, those happy times.

And I can't do that.

I cannot, and will not, allow myself to untangle. I have led myself down this path and I'm not going to regret it. I'm Seto Kaiba. I choose my direction in life and I choose what do with my mistakes. I can't turn back. I can't rewind. I can't put myself in reverse. I can only fast forward and move on ahead.

I look at the picture one last time. You and I. It was something special. It's not anymore. I don't need you. I promise you, I don't. I'm fine without you. I can live with my regrets and I can live my mistakes and yes, I can live with my conscience.

It was a beautiful gift I had in my arms. You were a wonderful thing to come home to. You kept me through many hopeless nights. You were my treasure, my jewel, and my gem. I never told you. I never will.

I throw down the picture onto the sand and stare it for one last time before turning my back and walking away. Before I leave, I throw my beer bottle into a trash can. My beer is still there and is still unfinished, but I do not care.

I am able to make it to my car before I completely fall apart just because I can live without you; just because I can make it on my own; just because I don't need you any longer.

And just because I can live myself with my mistakes, regrets, and actions hitting me on the head and heart every time I think of you.

Don't be fooled that just because I can do all that, doesn't mean I'm not suffering. Just because of that doesn't mean I don't miss you, Katsuya.

Because I do miss you.

_There will always be the little things that you wish you had. You will always wish you for the things you destroyed, but could have kept. You will always for your mistakes to be corrected and for the pain to go away. There will always be a treasure, a jewel, a gem you wish you could keep with you for all eternity. But sometimes, that thing that keeps you going can suddenly disappear._

_For some people, that thing isn't really a thing at all. It's really a person, a human being, a life. It's that person that breathes the life back into you when you least expect it to... at times, that person could suck emotion and drain energy from you as well. But most of all, it makes you happy and makes you cry. And though you cry, it's a sign of how much you love that person and how much you would miss that person if he or she left._

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-OWARI-

Inspired by a song I'm listening to. And yes, it's been awhile but I'm alive, very much so. Also, I am quite aware that this could have been better written. Sorry about that and sorry if it seems rushed.

So, since I'm still alive, how about hearing from you to know if you are alive as well? Hmm, that's an idea.

Thank you guys!

-lilrubydevil-


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